(you know what though, sometimes you have to let it fall down, so you can start building again.)

there's so many thoughts swirling inside my head i'm dizzy at the thought of them.

i can't put into words what's going on.  i don't think i could if i wanted to.  i'm held hostage by the silence, i'm a prisoner of the code. 

so we navigate this minefield of emotions, hoping that one misstep doesn't lead to another explosion.  everything has to be done with such care...it's sort of like tiptoeing through the tulips only not nearly as romantic or fun or whimsical.  i suppose in a situation like this i'm more of a bull in a china shop.  but then sometimes that's just more destructive...so i have to find that balance. 

what do you do when you find yourself in a position where hate is a real possibility?  what's the Star Wars quote....anger leads to fear, fear leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side?  this always use to scare me a bit.  this whole idea of being over in the dark side....cuz aren't you suppose to want to be on the good side?  but i think i'd rather have picked a side, any side, than stand somewhere in the middle.  i'm too black or white for all those shades of gray.  this doesn't make me a bad person regardless of what you say.  God says  to be black or white.  right now...i'm black.

i am angry.  i'm trying to deal with that.  i'm less so today than i was a week ago.  i hope that means progress.  now standing back and looking at it, observing it, i can see the extreme psychosis involved...and i almost feel pity.  but the anger is still too raw to really let that emotion come to the surface.  maybe with more time i'll get there. 

i don't have some arbitrary list of requirements that you must meet in order to be my friend...to be more than that...to be family.  i've only ever asked for honesty.  apparently people seem to think that i don't really mean it.  that i only ask for honesty up to a certain point.  but i do mean it.  i'm one of those rare people who'd rather be told the truth i may not wanna hear than the lie that you think i do.  when i ask you a direct question repeatedly and you lie to my face repeatedly over the course of months...there's a certain amount of premeditation in that.  your excuses don't save you here.  the betrayal is paramount.  haven't you ever heard that the truth shall set you free.  it's true.  though not without a certain amount of consequences.  what's done in the dark will always come to the light.  but you were a coward and let it come to light by accident...you should've owned up to it.  there was ample opportunity. 

maybe people are just scared that being honest will cause hurt or pain.  and sometimes it does.  but there is no life where there is no pain.  it is a part of life.  it's necessary.  i think people associate pain as a "dirty word".  something to avoid at all costs.  it's usually though when we learn the most about ourselves and we smooth out the rough edges.  you have to remember that when you open yourself up to the good things like love & joy you also open yourself up to hurt & pain.  you can't have one without the other. 

in all of this i find myself disappointed....in myself.  my intuition has never failed me.  NEVER.  but again i didn't listen to it.  whenever i'd share my ... thoughts....for lack of a better word, everyone would say no that can't be true, plus "they" say it's not.  no one would believe me.  so then i doubted myself.  maybe i'm wrong.  maybe i'm too cynical.  maybe i'm too hard.  but no.  i was right.  i feel a certain amount of vindication although i'm very sorry to have been right.  when will i learn to listen to that voice inside me?  when will i trust it, even when no one else does?  sometimes you have to stand alone.  sometimes you have to stick to your guns even when no one else will.  sometimes you have to keep believing even when the truth seems to fantastic to everyone else.

i don't know where to go from here.  i sometimes wish that my personality was different.  that i was capable of more compassion and mercy.  that i could see with softer eyes.  that forgiveness came more easily.  but unfortunately that is not me.  with time i'll start to feel those things in this situation hopefully.  but that day is not today.  i make no apologies for this.  i am who i am, and i'm ok with me. 

my heart is broken.  it will mend.  my trust is gone.  only with hard work and a change of behavior will it be regained.  i extended a hand of friendship.  you pushed it away.  we offered you family.  you spit in our faces.  but we're still here.  we're not going anywhere.  it's gonna be hard...very hard.  but i've never been scared of that which is difficult. 

now the question is....what are you gonna do with all that?  the choice is up to you.  even when you've done your worst, we say we're still here.  as much as i might want to and as easy as it might be to cast you out....we're still here.  face your demons.  make amends.  do the hard thing.  stay and fight.